Quick--Run With Me, Friend, Towards the Danger!

Many of you who are MST3K fans will know that the title of this post is a quote from "Cave Dwellers." Any of you who know what MST3K IS will know that it was a very funny quip.
But we're not here to talk about MST3K, and for someone who's not here to discuss MST3K, I sure am discussing MST3K a lot.

Moving on...

Once upon a time there was a friend of mine who, though she thought she was a princess, was more akin to a wicked witch named Satchel. :) Even though she probably doesn't practice witchcraft, we'll STILL call her Satchel.

Satchel, as it were, had three boys who we will call, from oldest to youngest, Jose, Jimp, and Lex. (These three boys are destined to be my minions... as soon as they're old enough to understand what it is minions do.)

One day after church (where she was pretending to be holy) Satchel was leading her three boys home. They live fairly close to church, so they walk. (I don't live far from church either, and I would walk but for the fact that I'm lazy.)

The scene was one of peace and tranquility. It looked like this:

"Hmm... Hmm... Hmm... I'mma just walking home..."

Then, because my sister, Evic, is (almost) as evil as I am, she drove up real close behind the happy little family (we were in the church's parking lot) and did what any God fearing American would do.

She honked the horn.

Satchel looked back at us and smiled a pleasant, "hello" type of smile.

This was not Jimp's reaction.

Jimp flipped.

After taking one look at the looming death car behind him, the scene of peace and tranquility became anything but.

It became this:



You gotta love Jimp's reflexes though. I don't think a pouncing lioness could have caught the little guy. As he waddled away at record breaking speeds, I could almost hear his thoughts.

"Must... escape... car... QUICKLY! Run into the oncoming TRAFFIC!" <--(This is what the title's referring to... in case you missed it.)
Run to the road to escape cars? Gotta love children's logic.

Luckily for everyone involved, mothers are faster than pouncing lionesses, and Satchel reached Jimp before the traffic did. Then she shot Evic a look of "Gee, thanks for trying to kill my son."

Then she smiled again...

And it was this last smile that made me question her "I'm a saint" ploy.

Would a saint smile after their son nearly became the main dish at roadkill cafe?

Who knows?


Here's something I think I meant to post a long time ago:

Flashes in the Dark Ages
(Did I post this one already?):
Before Thomas Edison invented the light bulb, great ideas manifested themselves as gas-burning lamps. This was dangerous due to the many dullards who could start the thinking process, but not quite ignite the gas that emanated from above their heads. It's true. Many would-be great innovators lost their heads in massive fireballs in those days because of an overabundance of mere idiots. (In most cases the idiots were blown away too, so it all came out in the wash.) Because of the relatively frequent nature of this phenomenon, this era of history is often referred to as the "Flashes in the Dark Ages."

It's not as funny after the Jimp and Satchel story...

...oh well...

Ciao!

And, as always, go do some evil!

~Rafe

Movie Reviews! >:O

Okay, it happens to the best of you.
 
You'll be wondering around the movie store, wishing you hadn't let your Netflix subscription expire, and you'll see a movie in the "New Release" section that you've seen already when it was in theatres! You reach for it with your excited, sticky, thumby fingers then you suddenly stop. You scratch that annoying spot on your head that itches whenever you think hard. You're stuck. You cannot go on until you know the answer to the question that's bugging you.
 
"What does Rafe think of this film?"
 
That's a good question.
 
I don't go to the theatre nearly often enough.
 
So I probably haven't seen it.
 
But sometimes I get a chance to go to the movie store too, and I often stop by the "New Releases" section. So here today I've compiled a couple of Flash reviews of New, Nearly New, Nearly Nearly New, Not Even Nearly Nearly New and some plain, old fashioned Old movies. :)

SPOILER ALERT: I'm not even going to try to hide anything.
 
The Box
A couple receives a weird box from alien scientists who want wives to die. Go figure.
 
The Rite
Anthony Hopkins (while not portraying a cannibal) plays a exorcist who gets possessed (oh, the irony) and in his turn gets exercised by a Deacon whose father was a mortician.
 
The Tourist
Johnny Depp isn't who he seems to be. Or is he? He is... not. It depends on how you look at it. Angelina Jolie stars as an ex-Scotland Yard agent who falls for any man she spends so much time as a train ride with. Paul Bettany gets mad.

Pitch Black
Vin Diesel can see in the dark. Word. (Going to watch "The Chronicles of Riddick" today... fun.)

Predator
Jungle, explosions, cute girl, MONSTER RUN!!! Arnold Schwarzenegger, dressed in mud, kicks ass.

"It didn't hurt you 'cause you were unarmed. Damn sport."

Predator 2
Hell in LA, Danny Glover is the lion, Men not in Black, beef, and MONSTER RUN!!! A pistol from 1715. Cool.

"Do you want a piece of candy?"

Aliens
Ripley, believe it or not, has slept for 57 years. Crabs cling to faces, and automated sentries kick ass. Newt's probably the smartest one out there.

"They're dead, okay? Can I go now?"

Alien Versus Predator
Ancient pyramid (first ever?), Sacrificial chamber, more crabs cling to faces, and "we worshipped these things?" Predator burns a chick's face, but it's cool.

"We don't have the luxury of quitting."

Alien Versus Preadator: Requiem
Alien bursts from Predator's chest. Ship crashes, and town goes to hell. Even MORE crabs cling to faces. Government lies to people, and they blow up. Pizza dude, ex-con, army chick, and not-as-cool-as-Newt girl crash in helicopter.

"I hear the bank is hiring."

Predators
After being dropped on their heads, a bunch of killers decide to work together and get off this f***ing planet. No crabs cling to faces (thank goodness). The killers don't make it... sort of.

___
After reviewing these movies more privately on my facebook, one of my most ardent fans had this to say: "Unless you review carebears go to candyland, i would probably never watch movies you review."

So, for her benefit, I have dug through my memories of some of the more embarrassing things I've watched in my life. Although I've never seen "Care Bears go to Candyland" (if such a show even exists) I have seen...

The Care Bears Adventure in Wonderland
Apparently the Princess has gone missing, and an evil wizard is trying to usurp the throne. With the help of Alice, who coincidentally looks exactly like the Princess, the Care Bears rush to save the day. Stay off the checker board.

Rainbow Brite and the Star Stealer
Yup, the evil Princess is trying to steal a star again; this would leave the world in darkness and winter and such other ugly things. I'll admit I didn't watch all of this one. But Rainbow Brite does her thing with her magic horse, and they bring back spring.

Anywho...

You like?

I did.

So, go and watch some movies. Don't hate them (unless they're worth hating) and enjoy your evening/morning/afternoon/night or whatever it is you like to enjoy.

Ciao!