In Which I Play a Zombie, Get Eye Molested, and Read a Classic **UPDATED** **TWICE**

In an as of yet unnamed epic **Now called "Zombie Tuesday"** (that may or may not be released to YouTube) I play the coolest freaking zombie EVER!

The producer, who will be known as Queenie, is a fickle beast, and the star of the show. If she decides it's not the stupidest piece of crap ever put on film, and decides not to cut me wholly from the show, I may be able to let you peoplez see it.

It's gonna be awesome. Here's some promotional pics I drew:

The coolest zombie you'll ever "meat."

The killer of the coolest zombie you'll ever "meat."

I don't know the name of the show, **when I wrote this** or I would have put it on the promo pics somewhere.

Anyway, how did this come about? How did the amazing Master Rafe become entoiled with amateur filmmakers of YouTube repute, and cast as, of all things, the coolest zombie you're ever going to meet?

Basically they interrupted my movie time and said "Come out here and help us." And so... I went. At first they told me that I was going to play a dead body that Queenie was going to throw at the zombie. I questioned the feasibility of throwing me anywhere, and they assured me, because of my epically skinny skinniness, they would have no trouble throwing me. Still, when I reached the set, they said I had been recast.

"You're going to be a zombie now. We need you to be dead and then get up." Said the director, who you may remember as the villainous honker, Evic.

Still enjoys honking.

Oops... I made it a mistake. The Third Woman on the set was unacknowledged. Despite her addition to the film, my blog, and the general awesomeness that became Zombie Tuesday, I forgot her. In my defense, I was playing dead most of the time she was in the garage with me. Still, below is a pic of the third woman, who shall be known as "Jamaal," in honor of her unhealthy obsession with the KC running back. I'm sure she'll appear again in my blogs. She seems to run into me (while waving her arm in a chopping motion) quite often. I don't think it's a friendly greeting.

I looked around the set for a moment. I spied a pool table.

I like pool.

"Can I be dead on the pool table?" I asked.
"Sure." She answered.

So I died on the pool table.

I would DIE for pool! >:O

I lay there for quite some time.
Even longer than necessary actually.

You see, they didn't just have me lie there, get up, chase Queenie and go home. I had to lie there in a hot garage with no AC or fans and be dead while a whole different scene was played out. At the END of the scene I got up and chased Queenie.

At one point they asked if I was okay. I said "I'm sweating into my eyes, and it stings."

The next thing I knew Queenie was vigorously rubbing my eyeballs with a paper towel.

AUGH!!! I screamed, "Now I've been eye molested!"

Finally it came my turn to attack her.

By this time I was hot, tired (from lying there) and in pain. I thought what the hey? I'm gonna get my day in the sun. I took a "sit up, chase her, die" scene and turned it into, "sit up, taste your own blood, chase her around the pool table, get stabbed with a pool cue, break the cue off in my stomach, continue chasing, get knocked over the head, shot through the mouth, die, get up again, chase some more, get caught in a door, try to eat my own arm, smash my own head in the door" scene.

To put it lightly, I ad libbed a bit.

Both the director and producer kept laughing and kept shooting.

Evic said they'd probably keep it all in there. We'll see. It was fun, anyway. **It's epically in there!!!**

I'll tell you when (if) it gets on YouTube.

Pride and Prejudice

In related news (related via the work of Seth Grahame-Smith) I am reading Pride and Prejudice, by Jane Austen. I have to say I was surprised with the brilliance and readability of her prose. I found it much akin to that of Agatha Christie's. -_- I believe I will finish it.

Ciao!

And, as always, Go do some evil!

~Rafe

Movie Reviews! >:O

Okay, it happens to the best of you.
 
You'll be wondering around the movie store, wishing you hadn't let your Netflix subscription expire, and you'll see a movie in the "New Release" section that you've seen already when it was in theatres! You reach for it with your excited, sticky, thumby fingers then you suddenly stop. You scratch that annoying spot on your head that itches whenever you think hard. You're stuck. You cannot go on until you know the answer to the question that's bugging you.
 
"What does Rafe think of this film?"
 
That's a good question.
 
I don't go to the theatre nearly often enough.
 
So I probably haven't seen it.
 
But sometimes I get a chance to go to the movie store too, and I often stop by the "New Releases" section. So here today I've compiled a couple of Flash reviews of New, Nearly New, Nearly Nearly New, Not Even Nearly Nearly New and some plain, old fashioned Old movies. :)

SPOILER ALERT: I'm not even going to try to hide anything.
 
The Box
A couple receives a weird box from alien scientists who want wives to die. Go figure.
 
The Rite
Anthony Hopkins (while not portraying a cannibal) plays a exorcist who gets possessed (oh, the irony) and in his turn gets exercised by a Deacon whose father was a mortician.
 
The Tourist
Johnny Depp isn't who he seems to be. Or is he? He is... not. It depends on how you look at it. Angelina Jolie stars as an ex-Scotland Yard agent who falls for any man she spends so much time as a train ride with. Paul Bettany gets mad.

Pitch Black
Vin Diesel can see in the dark. Word. (Going to watch "The Chronicles of Riddick" today... fun.)

Predator
Jungle, explosions, cute girl, MONSTER RUN!!! Arnold Schwarzenegger, dressed in mud, kicks ass.

"It didn't hurt you 'cause you were unarmed. Damn sport."

Predator 2
Hell in LA, Danny Glover is the lion, Men not in Black, beef, and MONSTER RUN!!! A pistol from 1715. Cool.

"Do you want a piece of candy?"

Aliens
Ripley, believe it or not, has slept for 57 years. Crabs cling to faces, and automated sentries kick ass. Newt's probably the smartest one out there.

"They're dead, okay? Can I go now?"

Alien Versus Predator
Ancient pyramid (first ever?), Sacrificial chamber, more crabs cling to faces, and "we worshipped these things?" Predator burns a chick's face, but it's cool.

"We don't have the luxury of quitting."

Alien Versus Preadator: Requiem
Alien bursts from Predator's chest. Ship crashes, and town goes to hell. Even MORE crabs cling to faces. Government lies to people, and they blow up. Pizza dude, ex-con, army chick, and not-as-cool-as-Newt girl crash in helicopter.

"I hear the bank is hiring."

Predators
After being dropped on their heads, a bunch of killers decide to work together and get off this f***ing planet. No crabs cling to faces (thank goodness). The killers don't make it... sort of.

___
After reviewing these movies more privately on my facebook, one of my most ardent fans had this to say: "Unless you review carebears go to candyland, i would probably never watch movies you review."

So, for her benefit, I have dug through my memories of some of the more embarrassing things I've watched in my life. Although I've never seen "Care Bears go to Candyland" (if such a show even exists) I have seen...

The Care Bears Adventure in Wonderland
Apparently the Princess has gone missing, and an evil wizard is trying to usurp the throne. With the help of Alice, who coincidentally looks exactly like the Princess, the Care Bears rush to save the day. Stay off the checker board.

Rainbow Brite and the Star Stealer
Yup, the evil Princess is trying to steal a star again; this would leave the world in darkness and winter and such other ugly things. I'll admit I didn't watch all of this one. But Rainbow Brite does her thing with her magic horse, and they bring back spring.

Anywho...

You like?

I did.

So, go and watch some movies. Don't hate them (unless they're worth hating) and enjoy your evening/morning/afternoon/night or whatever it is you like to enjoy.

Ciao!