Quick--Run With Me, Friend, Towards the Danger!

Many of you who are MST3K fans will know that the title of this post is a quote from "Cave Dwellers." Any of you who know what MST3K IS will know that it was a very funny quip.
But we're not here to talk about MST3K, and for someone who's not here to discuss MST3K, I sure am discussing MST3K a lot.

Moving on...

Once upon a time there was a friend of mine who, though she thought she was a princess, was more akin to a wicked witch named Satchel. :) Even though she probably doesn't practice witchcraft, we'll STILL call her Satchel.

Satchel, as it were, had three boys who we will call, from oldest to youngest, Jose, Jimp, and Lex. (These three boys are destined to be my minions... as soon as they're old enough to understand what it is minions do.)

One day after church (where she was pretending to be holy) Satchel was leading her three boys home. They live fairly close to church, so they walk. (I don't live far from church either, and I would walk but for the fact that I'm lazy.)

The scene was one of peace and tranquility. It looked like this:

"Hmm... Hmm... Hmm... I'mma just walking home..."

Then, because my sister, Evic, is (almost) as evil as I am, she drove up real close behind the happy little family (we were in the church's parking lot) and did what any God fearing American would do.

She honked the horn.

Satchel looked back at us and smiled a pleasant, "hello" type of smile.

This was not Jimp's reaction.

Jimp flipped.

After taking one look at the looming death car behind him, the scene of peace and tranquility became anything but.

It became this:



You gotta love Jimp's reflexes though. I don't think a pouncing lioness could have caught the little guy. As he waddled away at record breaking speeds, I could almost hear his thoughts.

"Must... escape... car... QUICKLY! Run into the oncoming TRAFFIC!" <--(This is what the title's referring to... in case you missed it.)
Run to the road to escape cars? Gotta love children's logic.

Luckily for everyone involved, mothers are faster than pouncing lionesses, and Satchel reached Jimp before the traffic did. Then she shot Evic a look of "Gee, thanks for trying to kill my son."

Then she smiled again...

And it was this last smile that made me question her "I'm a saint" ploy.

Would a saint smile after their son nearly became the main dish at roadkill cafe?

Who knows?


Here's something I think I meant to post a long time ago:

Flashes in the Dark Ages
(Did I post this one already?):
Before Thomas Edison invented the light bulb, great ideas manifested themselves as gas-burning lamps. This was dangerous due to the many dullards who could start the thinking process, but not quite ignite the gas that emanated from above their heads. It's true. Many would-be great innovators lost their heads in massive fireballs in those days because of an overabundance of mere idiots. (In most cases the idiots were blown away too, so it all came out in the wash.) Because of the relatively frequent nature of this phenomenon, this era of history is often referred to as the "Flashes in the Dark Ages."

It's not as funny after the Jimp and Satchel story...

...oh well...

Ciao!

And, as always, go do some evil!

~Rafe

Rafe and Mae and the Franken-Fan **UPDATED**

Mae may not wish to be acknowledged by her real name; Mae may not wish it known that she fraternizes with me at all. So, know that "Mae" is not Mae's real name. And, although I do know a Mae--though Mae would be that Mae's middle name--I do not want you to assume that Mae may actually be Mae's real name. It is not. It is a pseudonym. (Which, coincidentally, is today's word of the day.)

Pseudonym: v. to alter or embellish the truth so as not to be associated with Rafe.

We may now begin.

Mae and I had been discussing cluttered desks, homework, and the Pope (whom she would probably not clean for) when--somehow--we got on the topic of cleaning fans. (Because we have fascinating conversations.) To be clear, we were not discussing fans that do the cleaning, but the cleaning of fans. Apparently she was entertained by this.

Now, I know what you're all thinking: "Did he use 'whom' correctly?" I believe I did. However, if I didn't... shut up.

Some of you are probably also wondering how one goes about making cleaning fans an entertaining topic of conversation. I assure you, it is no easy task. One must begin preparing for the conversation literally weeks in advance.

Sinful Fan.

Here's how it goes:

Rafe is bored and suffering from insomnia.
Rafe stares hard at fan.
Fan is dirty.
Fan should not be dirty.
Rafe gets bright idea.
"I shall clean Fan!" Rafe thinks.
Rafe tries.
Rafe fails.
Epically.
Fan is dirty on the inside.
(Like sin, only made up more of dust and grime than moral corruption.)
Rafe cannot reach Fan's equivalent of moral corruption.

--At this point my notes say "Write message to C.W."--In case anyone was worried. I have sent the message.

Rafe gets another bright idea.
"I will disassemble Fan!"
Rafe goes on epic search for screwdriver.
Rafe fails at epic search for screwdriver.
Rafe finds pocket knife with screwdriver.
Pocket knife fails.
Rafe curses the Swiss and all they stand for.
Rafe, while giving up, accidentally spies screwdriver atop the  pantry.
Rafe goes "WTF? Who put that up there?"
Rafe uses it anyway.
Rafe disassembles fan.
Rafe tries to clean fan.
Rafe (can you guess?) fails.
Rafe needs pressure steamer.
Rafe needs to not be doing this on his desk in his bedroom if he is to use a pressure steamer to clean Fan.
Rafe sighs.
*Sigh*
Rafe goes to bed, leaving disassembled dirty fan on his desk.

Many weeks pass.

Rafe talks to Mae about his fan.
Mae is (for whatever reason) entertained.
Rafe goes home and, suffering from insomnia again (possibly due to two lattes drunk late in the evening) Rafe reassembles fan.
Rafe wonders "Why are there all these pieces left over? Oh well... they probably weren't important anyway..."
Rafe plugs in Fan... then screams "It--It's alive! It's ALIVE!" <--I totally left that out before. THE WHOLE FRANKEN-FAN BIT!!!
Rafe never cleaned fan.
Rafe is failure.
The next day Rafe finds pressure steamer.
FML.

You see? It all makes sense now... to someone. I hope. Somewhere...

This next portion is entitle: CRYING IS FOR LOSERS

Well I've always said I was evil, but few seem to believe me. Tell me, could anything BUT an evil mind even think up such an outrageous idea? Read on, and thank God that this is only a (very sick) joke...

This is what a sadistic mind comes up with when it's half asleep... don't judge... well, okay, you can judge... but don't hurt me...

This TV show is called "A$$holes" "Mean for the Money" or "Light Child Abuse"

Four adults and one child are competing for cash and other prizes.

The four adults take turns saying horrible things to the child, the first to make the child cry wins. If the child can stand a set time limit without crying, (s)he wins the money.

There are themes (where what the adults say has to revolve around a central idea) comeback prizes (where the child gets money for witty comebacks) and even adult v. adult bonus rounds where the studio audience decides who said the nastier things. We even have bonus shows where high scoring children come back to face off against each other.

Of course, after two successful seasons, despite immense popularity (among sadists, masochists, and schadenfreude specialists) the show was cancelled due to massive complaints concerning (not cruelty, but) cheating.

Apparently some of the adults were sneaking in tear gas in small sprayers to cause the children to cry prematurely; parents, on the other hand, were often having their child's tear ducts surgically removed.

After determining that anyone who would submit to this show was some kind of moron, yet believing that even volunteers for suffering needed to be protected, a new organization was founded to prevent such shows from airing again: the SPCI or the Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Idiots.

I hope you enjoyed, maybe, whatever.

Happy Birthday MR! (You know who you are... if you're not stupid.)

Ciao!

And, as always, Go do some evil!

~Master Rafe

"God doesn't really need to punish us. We're so very busy punishing ourselves." ~from The Moving Finger, by Agatha Christie.

Movie Reviews! >:O

Okay, it happens to the best of you.
 
You'll be wondering around the movie store, wishing you hadn't let your Netflix subscription expire, and you'll see a movie in the "New Release" section that you've seen already when it was in theatres! You reach for it with your excited, sticky, thumby fingers then you suddenly stop. You scratch that annoying spot on your head that itches whenever you think hard. You're stuck. You cannot go on until you know the answer to the question that's bugging you.
 
"What does Rafe think of this film?"
 
That's a good question.
 
I don't go to the theatre nearly often enough.
 
So I probably haven't seen it.
 
But sometimes I get a chance to go to the movie store too, and I often stop by the "New Releases" section. So here today I've compiled a couple of Flash reviews of New, Nearly New, Nearly Nearly New, Not Even Nearly Nearly New and some plain, old fashioned Old movies. :)

SPOILER ALERT: I'm not even going to try to hide anything.
 
The Box
A couple receives a weird box from alien scientists who want wives to die. Go figure.
 
The Rite
Anthony Hopkins (while not portraying a cannibal) plays a exorcist who gets possessed (oh, the irony) and in his turn gets exercised by a Deacon whose father was a mortician.
 
The Tourist
Johnny Depp isn't who he seems to be. Or is he? He is... not. It depends on how you look at it. Angelina Jolie stars as an ex-Scotland Yard agent who falls for any man she spends so much time as a train ride with. Paul Bettany gets mad.

Pitch Black
Vin Diesel can see in the dark. Word. (Going to watch "The Chronicles of Riddick" today... fun.)

Predator
Jungle, explosions, cute girl, MONSTER RUN!!! Arnold Schwarzenegger, dressed in mud, kicks ass.

"It didn't hurt you 'cause you were unarmed. Damn sport."

Predator 2
Hell in LA, Danny Glover is the lion, Men not in Black, beef, and MONSTER RUN!!! A pistol from 1715. Cool.

"Do you want a piece of candy?"

Aliens
Ripley, believe it or not, has slept for 57 years. Crabs cling to faces, and automated sentries kick ass. Newt's probably the smartest one out there.

"They're dead, okay? Can I go now?"

Alien Versus Predator
Ancient pyramid (first ever?), Sacrificial chamber, more crabs cling to faces, and "we worshipped these things?" Predator burns a chick's face, but it's cool.

"We don't have the luxury of quitting."

Alien Versus Preadator: Requiem
Alien bursts from Predator's chest. Ship crashes, and town goes to hell. Even MORE crabs cling to faces. Government lies to people, and they blow up. Pizza dude, ex-con, army chick, and not-as-cool-as-Newt girl crash in helicopter.

"I hear the bank is hiring."

Predators
After being dropped on their heads, a bunch of killers decide to work together and get off this f***ing planet. No crabs cling to faces (thank goodness). The killers don't make it... sort of.

___
After reviewing these movies more privately on my facebook, one of my most ardent fans had this to say: "Unless you review carebears go to candyland, i would probably never watch movies you review."

So, for her benefit, I have dug through my memories of some of the more embarrassing things I've watched in my life. Although I've never seen "Care Bears go to Candyland" (if such a show even exists) I have seen...

The Care Bears Adventure in Wonderland
Apparently the Princess has gone missing, and an evil wizard is trying to usurp the throne. With the help of Alice, who coincidentally looks exactly like the Princess, the Care Bears rush to save the day. Stay off the checker board.

Rainbow Brite and the Star Stealer
Yup, the evil Princess is trying to steal a star again; this would leave the world in darkness and winter and such other ugly things. I'll admit I didn't watch all of this one. But Rainbow Brite does her thing with her magic horse, and they bring back spring.

Anywho...

You like?

I did.

So, go and watch some movies. Don't hate them (unless they're worth hating) and enjoy your evening/morning/afternoon/night or whatever it is you like to enjoy.

Ciao!

Complicated Instructions for Simple Tasks

Ahola!

I was seated on the john today enjoying an encyclopedia when I came across the article on the geometric shape known as a star. Yes... I read encyclopedias for fun... while on the pot.

But that's not what we're here to talk about.

We're here to talk about--as the title indicates--complicated instructions for simple tasks.

Why did I choose this topic? Well... mostly because of what I found in the article on the star shape. It included this set of instructions:

 

(And I quote...)

 

How to Draw a Star. This geometric drawing can be made by drawing a four-inch circle. Draw the horicontal and vertical diameter ab and cd. Mark the point of intersection e. Bisect eb and mark the point of intersection f. With f as a center, and cf as a radius, describe an arc cutting ae. Mark the point of intersection g. With gc as a radius and c as a center, describe two arcs cutting the circumference at h and j. With h and j as centers and the same radius, describe arcs cutting the circumference at k and l. Form a star by connecting c and l, c and k, h and k, l and j, and h and j.

Fun, eh?

My question for you is this: What impossibly complex instructions for unbelievably simple tasks do you know of?

Quotations From my Quotable Friends

I haven't posted in almost a month... and for that I am sorry. :\ I'm still working on that crossword puzzle I promised, but I lost the paper with the answers, and my sister repossessed the computer I was making it on... so it may be a while. :D

I hope this entertains you in the mean time. It is a collection of some of my favorite quotes from friends, myself, and others that I really like. Though, because my friends may not wish to admit they fraternize with me, I'll only identify them by initials.

"After the punch line, you need to shut up." ~Old Gubaran proverb. "YOU LIKE IT CEITAINLY WE BLESS YOUR HEALTH THE STYLE IS NUMEROUS!" ~Actual text from the packaging for a toy bazooka. Bad grammar and spelling as well. "What is a rafe?" ~J.C. (No, that's not "Jesus Christ," although God is a friend of mine, He knows what a "rafe" is.) "Well it's entertaining writing, and someone got pudding on this." ~M.B. "We will discuss it. End of discussion!" ~M.A.B. "Have people always been stupid or is it a recent development?" ~Danae from "Non Sequitur" "Give me a fly swatter and I'll show you how much of a teddy bear I am!" ~C.R. Also (not) Known As: "Teddy Bear" "The jokes in life are funnier than the tragedies are sad." ~Anonymous "You know, its really too bad you are a guy, you would make a great girl." ~K.M.V.K. (A girl said this to me.) "He's like my girlfriend, except he's not gay." ~L.J.S. (Again... a girl said this about me. I'm beginning to see a pattern... But, she's correct, I am not gay.) "Aaaaugh! I broke the Bible!" ~ M.A.B. Me: "I call it art." M.A.B.: "I call it a bent straw." "Remember... [long pause] ...I forgot." ~My Mother "Let's start over, and I won't blonde this one up." ~T.O. "If you read that E-mail, it's proof that something is wrong with your brain." ~Alice from "Dilbert" "Would you mind not standing on my chest? My hat's on fire." ~Doctor Who (Tom Baker) "Stupidity has a knack of getting its way." ~Albert Camus "Cleverness and stupidity go together." ~Ovambo proverb "You have issues, dahling, ok?" ~P.B. "Don't worry, stupidity produces antibodies." ~Susie from "Calvin and Hobbes" "Which way is straight for me?" ~Me. "A folk song is a living organism; it is ever changing." ~Charles Hoffer "The saying 'I think therefore I am' is not necessarily reversible." ~Me. (Aren't I wise?) "Raphael is always right." ~K.V. “When in doubt, kill cute things.” ~Stephen Pastis "Of all the people in the world... you are one of them." "The greatest thing about America is that we are not judged by what we are, but by who we can schmooze." ~Aubry Anne Carechild "I can only be nice to people for so long. It's like a countdown clock. Some people's time is longer than others. Some people never had any time at all. I'm grateful to have friends that stuck around even after their nice time was up." ~M.R. (Seriously, one of my favorite quotes ever.) "Sometimes the chai tea flows through your blood stream and makes you giddy enough not to care about grammer or spelling!" ~K.V. "Rafe's just gonna make a shitty comment, ignore him." ~J.J.B. "Penguins are the highest form of comedy." ~An old Gubaran proverb. "Swine, ceramic sentinel, Guard the golden disc!" ~Dwight Erthenwall "Through humor, you can soften some of the worst blows that life delivers. And once you find laughter, no matter how painful your situation might be, you can survive it." "A well developed sense of humor is the freezer that adds balance to a penguin's steps as it waddles the iceberg of life." ~L.H. "Hunt for ways of adding the twist of funny." "The best friends you could ever surround yourself with are the type of friends who would murder your enemies with a rusty spoon just to see you smile." ~S.P. "Hey, what do you think of Pavlov's theory that the Pope is Catholic?" ~Bucky Katt from "Get Fuzzy" "No shame. No mercy. No glory." ~P.B. "My eyes were vomiting." ~M.A.B. (Discussing "Transformers 2." Apparently she didn't like it...) "Explosions are cooler than kites. Word." ~M.A.B. "A true genius will spread the genius' work so that the lesser can know as well." ~S.P. "Dude, if stealing a stick of gum will keep me out of Hell, I'm gonna go rob Wrigley's" ~M.K.V.K. "If you were coming at me with a weed whacker I'd be scared." ~M.B. (Even in context, that was a weird one...) "If you need instructions on how to wash your hands, Maybe you shouldn’t have a job." ~KJ52 "Lost is just like Gilligan's Island... only trippier... and on steroids." ~Me... I have the right to quote myself. Anyway... I hope you enjoyed at least SOME of those. I know I did. I tried to take out the ones that are only funny to me because they recall a funny memory. Still... I'll try to post again this month, and hopefully I'll have that crossword puzzle up soon. For now, Ciao! And, as always, go do some evil. ~Rafe