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Thursday, June 23, 2011

Investigating the Paranormal Significance of the Big Toe

To begin with a quote: 

"[Saint Eusebius] lived alone, spending his days in devotion and contemplation. But when a dragon appeared up on the plateau and started eating the people's flocks, he felt he had to do something...Saint Eusebius took his crucifix and went to face the dragon, to command it in the name of Christ to leave the area...Inspired by the devil, the dragon began to eat the holy man. But a desperate group of peasants had banded together, armed with spears and meat hooks. When the dragon tried to swallow the saint, it miraculously began to gag and choke on him. While the dragon was thus occupied, the peasants burst out of hiding and attacked it. One of them got in a lucky stroke with a meat hook and pierced the dragon's throat at the one spot where it was vulnerable...But they were too late to save Saint Eusebius. All that remained of him was his left big toe."
                ~C. Dale Brittain, from The Wood Nymph and the Cranky Saint
Obviously the above account is entirely fantastic—indeed it comes from one of my favorite fantasy novels—but it introduces to us (in a sort of indirect byway fashion) a question quite unforgivably ignored by established pseudoscience: What is the paranormal significance of the big toe?

As everyone knows, our toes are not mere lumps of kind-of-funny looking, wiggly things with no use other than stubbing and judging the apparent beauty of; our toes are indeed gifts of God and evolution intended to help us not fall on our ugly faces when we stand erect and apart from our simian brethren. (*Can anyone say “convoluted sentence alert”?) Yes! Our wonderful toes are tools, tools that help us balance when standing and walking upright.

So they’re not useless…                                                       
But are they paranormal?

A quick Google search of “big toe” + “paranormal” does bring up many hits, but most of them are like “someone was tugging my big toe” or “I wiggle my toes to get myself out of a dream” or someone using the acronym TOE (I didn’t check what it stood for… probably “Totally Original Energy” or “Toes Of Earth”).
Maybe the tugging of the big toe was important? Maybe otherworldies (entities from other worlds, dimensions, times, or—sometimes—Taylor Swift fans) are attracted to big toes? Maybe it’s somehow deeper (and more sinister) than that… maybe it’s downright creepy!
I know I’m right. I'm always right. So today, for the first time, I am sharing my thesis with the world:
Disembodied spirits have big toe fetishes.
To put it in its original Latinish: “Ghostusts Haviest Hallux Fetishi.”
In other unrelated news, I finally watched “The Blair Witch Project.” (I know, talk about behind the times…)
I have nothing real to say about that,  I just thought I’d mention it… because I can.
So, for your homework, I want you to (do my research for me and) find me information correlating ghosts, poltergeists, and other otherworldies with halluxes. (Hallux = big toe.)
Anyway, I’m making a crossword puzzle for you peoples, so expect that in the not-too-distant future.

Imagine you are wearing a large vest that can be puffed full of air. Now imagine that that vest is attached to a couple of tubes which in turn attach to a large, box shaped machine. Imagine that the single purpose for this machine is to cause the vest (which you are wearing) to shake like a baby rabbit blended on puree… now imagine you’re riding an exercise bike… now imagine you’ve got another contraption hooked to a different tube that is puffing vapor into your mouth… now imagine it’s all going at once.
I was doing that today.
Fun mental image, eh?
Anywo, Ciao!

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