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Monday, May 14, 2012

That Incredibly Sappy "Inspirational" Post -- aka "When I Stopped Giving a Sh*t" -- aka "My Origin Story"

Everyone has a time in their life when they believe the haters, and begin to dislike who they are.
Every hero has an origin story.

I was feeling inspirational bout two minutes ago, and decided to tell my "origin story." Plus, a couple of days ago, Satchel was bugging me to post another post.

Be warned, however: Much of this origin story may be hyperbolic and/or completely made up. (It'll all be loosely based on actual experiences, but my own story is all a bit too--what's the word?--mundane... which is a synonym for "mind-numbingly boring... and stupid.")

So, here we begin...

I was living in a place called Hellonearth. It was cozy, but for the flames, sulfur and horned fellows poking me with sticks. I called them "Haters," because they hated so much that they even hated me. Who could hate ME?

No one sane could, I imagined, and thus declared them nutzo.

And now I've lost my train of thought. I'm talking to Ginger (new character, as I have not mentioned her before) as I write this, and now I've lost the connection between the Haters and my origin...

...oh, yeah...

That was it.

Here we go...

I wasn't as fast nor as strong as the Haters. This made it difficult to best them in any physical feat. Which made it difficult to win their respect.

Haters hate respecting people who can't beat the ever-loving sh*t out of them.

Which I couldn't them.

So they didn't me.

And I didn't me.

This is what we call "the sad part... where our hero has yet to find himself and become awesome." Or, more commonly, "The sappy part. Boo-*bleep*ing-Hoo."

Anyway. Skipping ahead a few years.

We moved out of Hellonearth, to my current residence: Home.

Here I met people who were the opposite of Haters... but I hesitate to call them "lovers" because of the connotations such a word carries.

I'll call them "those who didn't fear befriending me." Or "morons" for short.

One day several of these morons and I were talking in the alley. Why were in the alley is top secret, and I shall not divulge it to you. Irregardless (<--I like this word because it makes people angry... but it IS a word... even if it's not proper. http://www.merriam-webster.com/video/0037-irregardless.htm?&t=1337054276 ) That parenthetical was too long, so I'm going to begin my sentence all over again.

Irregardless of that, the point was that we were talking in an alley (for reasons that I cannot discuss). It was actually Satchel's sister who became Mentor (another new character for the blog). She is called "Mentor" because every hero has that Obi-Wan Kenobi/Yoda/Gandalf/Merlin/Old-dude-who-dies-before-he-and-the-count-can-tunnel-out-of-prison type of guy. (Or girl, in this case.)

Mentor changed my life foreverish when, while chatting in that alley, she revealed to me my route to world domination.

She said (and I quote... ish... or I lie. Whatever. I'm making up about half of this anyway.) "Gee, Rafe, you're funny. You're pretty quick on your feet. You realize that if you hone that sharp wit of yours, and then turn my sister, Satchel, into a minion maker, you will be able to build an army and conquer the world via a funny blog. BTW, you should call me 'Mentor' in that blog. Or 'Special K'--not because of the drug, but so Satchel will be able to know what sister you're talking about. K? Peace out, dude."

And then, just as quickly as she had appeared, Mentor disappeared into the mist... only to be seen several times again... ooo-eee-ooo *creepy music.*

And, as a Rafe is wont to do, I took her advice too far and honed my wit towards the "mock ALL THE THINGS!" line of humor, and became what is generally considered "an arrogant snob."

But you love me anyway.

Anyway... it wasn't long after that that I realized that 99% of Haters only hate because of their own lack of confidence. Thus, I made a conscious decision to not give a vulgar expletive what other people thought of me.

That, my friends, is when a wee little Rafe became your OVERLORD AND MASTER!

As per the usual request, go do some evil.


I'd like to thank everybody who ever hated on me. You made me stronger. Or I crushed you in a fit of rage... whatever.

"Hulk Smash!" ~Bruce Banner(ish)


  1. You have to love those haters, lol :)

  2. Did you make a "Count of Monte Cristo" reference? Because is so, I love you forever, and if not, I suspect conspiracy because that was oddly specific for a not-Count-of-Monte-Cristo reference.

    The Ingenue (a.k.a. the woman who forgot her password and can't get into her blog so she doesn't have to sign her name to her reply like it's some sort of awkward letter)

  3. Yes. It IS a "Count of Monte Crito" reference. Although... I do prefer to call it "Count of Monte Crisco."

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