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Saturday, May 21, 2011

Plebeians, Cads, and Thank You Notes :) And an AREC Poll.

I’ll admit it.
I’m an ungrateful cad… to plebeians. But they’re plebeians! So, they deserve it… right?

(As an aside: Did you know that a “cad” is an omnibus conductor? It’s true. So my question for you is this: How did one word come to mean both “bus driver” and “asshole”? The only correlation I can find is the fact that—according to a recent AREC* poll—87.9% of all bus drivers actually have ass holes.)
But we were talking about cads and plebeians…
Have you ever met one of those really annoying people who simply NEVER sends thank you cards? Yeah… one of those people.
I’m one of them.
I know, I know… it’s terrible, right? It undermines the whole “sophisticated but evil” vibe I had going. But, alas, what can one do? Besides, I mean, actually mending my ways.
I just want the world to know that it's not because I'm ungrateful. And I’m not trying to be rude. It's because I'm simple(ish) and forgetful(ish).
Here’s what usually happens.
*Well-meaning plebeian gives Rafe a gift or does Rafe a favor.*
RAFE: “Thanks, well-meaning plebeian.”
PLEBEIAN: “Don’t mention it!”
RAFE: “Okay.”
*Rafe doesn’t mention it.*
*Plebeian waits for Rafe to mention it… preferably in a note.*
*Rafe goes on with life, grateful for the gift or favor, but, as per the plebeian’s request, not mentioning it.*
PLEBEIAN: Rafe is a cad!
PLEBEIAN’S FRIEND: I happen to know that Rafe has never conducted an omnibus.
*Plebeian kills his friend in a fit of rage.*
*Plebeian plots Rafe’s demise.*
*Plebeian’s plan backfires when Rafe does something awesome.*
*Plebeian dies bitter and alone.*
*Plebeian tells his children to never give gifts or do favors for omnibus conductors.*
*Plebeian’s children are thoroughly confused.*
*Rafe remains awesome.*
*Reader wonders how the plebeian told his children not to give gifts or do favors after he died.*
*Rafe realizes his odd bulletin point story has gone on too long.*
*Rafe ends bulletin point story.*
You see? It’s really not my fault that AFTER I thank the plebeians they ruin their lives over me not writing a note. I mean, when I give someone a gift or do someone a favor… it’s usually someone I’m trying to impress, so why the hell would I care if they thanked me in a note? I want it to be easy on them, not burdening them with social obligation of writing a note thanking me for some trivial thing like a box of vinegar.
(Boxed vinegar? It may be the greatest thing since sliced tomatoes…)
Seriously though… I accept the verbal thanks that people give, and I don’t look for a written thanks. Why should I? I assume they’re grateful, and yeah. Only problem is that I feel bad when I forget to write thank you notes. :( It’s like… they’ll think I don’t care or something. Not that I do care. Just… I want people to continue giving me things… and doing me favors.
For some reason people don’t like giving gifts and doing favors for cads.
Conducting an omnibus is like the worst job EVER!
*AREC specializes in making up polls based on Rafe's intuition on the subject. Rafe is not responsible for any stupid decisions made based on poll data.

Wednesday, May 4, 2011

Tuesday, May 3, 2011

Hats! (Exciting title isn't it?)

I should hope that Hats in the Belfry gives me a free hat. I'm about to give them free advertising. Of course, considering I have 0 followers at this point, they probably won't. I can't blame 'em. I wouldn't give me free stuff either.

So, I've decided to give you the Hat Fashion Rules... that I'm making up just now.

I'll discuss when and how who can wear what hats... and still be FASHIONABLE!

(All advice is for entertainment only. Rafe, nor any of his colleagues, siblings, or acquaintances are responsible for any faux pas committed while following the fashion tips found in this blog.)

So... hats!

Belfry St Bogart
 Okay, folks. There's a reason it's called a "Bogart." If you're not Humphrey Bogart himself, you might wanna pass... then again... it is stylish.

Gee... making up rules as you go may not be as easy as I thought.

Let's give this one some thought. If you're a snappy dresser, and can pull off that look without being a pimp... then maybe. It's not a casual "It's sunny, let's wear a hat" hat. Unless you're friggin rich. Then it's okay. But you still better dress nice. And attend a cocktail party.

It'll go good with your spats.

Kangol Mowbray
 Okay, I don't know what "Kangol Mowbray" means, but if you do, would you tell me?

Either way, you can't wear this hat. Nope. Not a good idea. Unless, of course, you're a big (probably dumb) thug with tattoos (but not too many... and no sleeves) and don't wear sleeves. You probably "talka like dis, Bubba," and carry a switchblade.

I probably call you Porky.

If you actually wear this hat and are NOT called Porky, please comment below. I would like to know if you get beat up.

Please remember that I'm making this up as I go. It's all gut-reaction rules. I'm open to suggestions and modifications from my readers. (I know... I'm acting like I actually have more than one... it's cute of me, isn't it?)

Belfry Princeton
 Princeton? I'm not buying it. I've never been to Princeton (that's a place, right? I'm not really doing any research for this...) but I'm fairly certain no one there wears this.

You're allowed to wear this if you are a girl between the ages of 11 and 19. Anything else, and I am forced to make fun of you.

Get the picture?

(But, really, if you ARE a girl of the right age, it'll probably look cute on you.) ;)

Broner Sicily
Cool hat. Don't care who you are, where you live, or what you do for a living. If you go out in this you will look cool. I don't care if you go out in ONLY this.

You ARE the BEAST!

Rock on, my friend. Rock on.

San Diego Vienna
I honestly don't know what San Diego or Vienna has to do with this hat. It'd look cool on a suffragette, and that's about it.

If you can pull off that 1920's look, then go for it. Otherwise, choose another hat.

Okay. Maybe I'll let your wear this beaut if you have large loop earrings and a necklace that hangs down to your bellybutton. I'd suggest purple boots and a scarf as well.

Be sure you're cute too.

Makins Rosalyn
 I like it... except that the flower is the size of your freaking face. What the heck, people? Who thinks "I think I'll wear a tree today..." C'mon! It's a hat, not a botanical garden...

...or is it?

Maybe this isn't a hat at all! Maybe it's an alien spaceship designed to transport the spawn of an evil flora-based lifeforms to Earth atop the heads of the fashionably inept!

By golly, we've got it, men!

Hats in the Belfry is definitely NOT going to appreciate my advertising.

Kathy Jean Iris



Unless you're a rock star...

...or high.

Don't do it.

Cha Chas Darede
 I actually approve of this one. I mean, it's a bit of a fancy hat, but if you're an older woman with a well rounded physique, then you can probably pull this off quite well. Even look regal.

A- for effort, but only a C for cuteness...

Cotton Greek
 Okay... you HAVE to live or work on a wharf for this one.

Dead serious.

Otherwise you're an ass hole.

"Hey, you... are you an ass hole?"
"No, it's okay. I work on a wharf."

"Wharf" is fun to say. Try it.


Cha Chas Juniper

I freaking LOVE this hat!!!

Okay, it's obviously a girls hat. But I think I'd fall instantly in love with any (young, single and decently attractive) woman I saw wearing it.

It's just that awesome!

<--"Juniper" is also a cool name for a hat.

WC Fields Top Hat

Yes... WC Fields... if you're not him (or, possibly, Franklin Roosevelt) you can pass up this hat.


It's a stove-pipe.

Belfry John Bull
 Ah, yes. John Bull. Possibly one of the most classic hats in all of hatdom. I give you...

...the cool top hat.

You may wear this on any occasion with any outfit... so long as you do not disgrace it.

Mad Hatter
 Okay. Stop what you're doing. Wait...

Before you put on this hat, I want you to do something.

Go look in a mirror...

...and make darn well certain you are the Mad friggin Hatter!

Then go ahead and do what you were doing.

You have my blessing.

Okay... I'm open to whatever you have to say... I don't even follow (or believe in) all of my fashion tips. Take them with a grain of salt (and a grain of sand... and a grain of DEATH!!!)

Be amazing.



All hats from http://www.hatsinthebelfry.com/ ... I want one. :\

Monday, May 2, 2011

Double Stuff!

Greetings, Evildoers.

Short post. Just something I had to explain to a friend earlier:

Both the dark side and the white side have cookies. It's just that (if you have a taste for sadism) you can actually enjoy the cookies... so it's easiest to be on the dark side.

It's like this. If you're on the light side, you have to actually CARE about people. And while you shove your double stuff into your mouth you may begin to think about starving children in Guatemala (or wherever your starving children of choice are from) and suddenly all that sugar turns to sand in your mouth. You get a sour taste in your throat, and you just can't find the energy to reach your hand into the bowl of milk even one... more... time...

On the dark side, when the little children come to mind, you giggle, and the cookies just Get BETTER!!!!