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Saturday, May 21, 2011

Plebeians, Cads, and Thank You Notes :) And an AREC Poll.

I’ll admit it.
I’m an ungrateful cad… to plebeians. But they’re plebeians! So, they deserve it… right?

(As an aside: Did you know that a “cad” is an omnibus conductor? It’s true. So my question for you is this: How did one word come to mean both “bus driver” and “asshole”? The only correlation I can find is the fact that—according to a recent AREC* poll—87.9% of all bus drivers actually have ass holes.)
But we were talking about cads and plebeians…
Have you ever met one of those really annoying people who simply NEVER sends thank you cards? Yeah… one of those people.
I’m one of them.
I know, I know… it’s terrible, right? It undermines the whole “sophisticated but evil” vibe I had going. But, alas, what can one do? Besides, I mean, actually mending my ways.
I just want the world to know that it's not because I'm ungrateful. And I’m not trying to be rude. It's because I'm simple(ish) and forgetful(ish).
Here’s what usually happens.
*Well-meaning plebeian gives Rafe a gift or does Rafe a favor.*
RAFE: “Thanks, well-meaning plebeian.”
PLEBEIAN: “Don’t mention it!”
RAFE: “Okay.”
*Rafe doesn’t mention it.*
*Plebeian waits for Rafe to mention it… preferably in a note.*
*Rafe goes on with life, grateful for the gift or favor, but, as per the plebeian’s request, not mentioning it.*
PLEBEIAN: Rafe is a cad!
PLEBEIAN’S FRIEND: I happen to know that Rafe has never conducted an omnibus.
*Plebeian kills his friend in a fit of rage.*
*Plebeian plots Rafe’s demise.*
*Plebeian’s plan backfires when Rafe does something awesome.*
*Plebeian dies bitter and alone.*
*Plebeian tells his children to never give gifts or do favors for omnibus conductors.*
*Plebeian’s children are thoroughly confused.*
*Rafe remains awesome.*
*Reader wonders how the plebeian told his children not to give gifts or do favors after he died.*
*Rafe realizes his odd bulletin point story has gone on too long.*
*Rafe ends bulletin point story.*
You see? It’s really not my fault that AFTER I thank the plebeians they ruin their lives over me not writing a note. I mean, when I give someone a gift or do someone a favor… it’s usually someone I’m trying to impress, so why the hell would I care if they thanked me in a note? I want it to be easy on them, not burdening them with social obligation of writing a note thanking me for some trivial thing like a box of vinegar.
(Boxed vinegar? It may be the greatest thing since sliced tomatoes…)
Seriously though… I accept the verbal thanks that people give, and I don’t look for a written thanks. Why should I? I assume they’re grateful, and yeah. Only problem is that I feel bad when I forget to write thank you notes. :( It’s like… they’ll think I don’t care or something. Not that I do care. Just… I want people to continue giving me things… and doing me favors.
For some reason people don’t like giving gifts and doing favors for cads.
Conducting an omnibus is like the worst job EVER!
*AREC specializes in making up polls based on Rafe's intuition on the subject. Rafe is not responsible for any stupid decisions made based on poll data.

1 comment:

  1. Only 87.9%? That's a bit worrisome. Apparently, 12.1% of omnibus drivers were born without buttholes. Or maybe they lost them in some freak accident. Or something.


    We may never know.

    (but, no, i did not know that a cad was an omnibus conductor. i feel enlightened by this revelation about one of my favorite words)

    *The Ingenue wonders how the Plebeian had children if he died bitter and alone. Did the Plebeian's wife divorce him since he was unable to let go of Rafe's cadishness? Or was it because she thought Rafe was awesome and left Plebeian for him? Or some third thing?*
    *The Ingenue notices she is not as succinct as Rafe.*
    *Nor as funny*

    Don't worry. If I ever do anything nice for you, I won't expect a note. I never expect thank-you notes. (mainly because i never write them myself. i forget that thank you notes even exist)

    And I would love to buy some boxed vinegar and sliced tomatoes. You wouldn't happen to have any cube-shaped watermelons too, would you?