Quotations From my Quotable Friends

I haven't posted in almost a month... and for that I am sorry. :\ I'm still working on that crossword puzzle I promised, but I lost the paper with the answers, and my sister repossessed the computer I was making it on... so it may be a while. :D

I hope this entertains you in the mean time. It is a collection of some of my favorite quotes from friends, myself, and others that I really like. Though, because my friends may not wish to admit they fraternize with me, I'll only identify them by initials.

"After the punch line, you need to shut up." ~Old Gubaran proverb. "YOU LIKE IT CEITAINLY WE BLESS YOUR HEALTH THE STYLE IS NUMEROUS!" ~Actual text from the packaging for a toy bazooka. Bad grammar and spelling as well. "What is a rafe?" ~J.C. (No, that's not "Jesus Christ," although God is a friend of mine, He knows what a "rafe" is.) "Well it's entertaining writing, and someone got pudding on this." ~M.B. "We will discuss it. End of discussion!" ~M.A.B. "Have people always been stupid or is it a recent development?" ~Danae from "Non Sequitur" "Give me a fly swatter and I'll show you how much of a teddy bear I am!" ~C.R. Also (not) Known As: "Teddy Bear" "The jokes in life are funnier than the tragedies are sad." ~Anonymous "You know, its really too bad you are a guy, you would make a great girl." ~K.M.V.K. (A girl said this to me.) "He's like my girlfriend, except he's not gay." ~L.J.S. (Again... a girl said this about me. I'm beginning to see a pattern... But, she's correct, I am not gay.) "Aaaaugh! I broke the Bible!" ~ M.A.B. Me: "I call it art." M.A.B.: "I call it a bent straw." "Remember... [long pause] ...I forgot." ~My Mother "Let's start over, and I won't blonde this one up." ~T.O. "If you read that E-mail, it's proof that something is wrong with your brain." ~Alice from "Dilbert" "Would you mind not standing on my chest? My hat's on fire." ~Doctor Who (Tom Baker) "Stupidity has a knack of getting its way." ~Albert Camus "Cleverness and stupidity go together." ~Ovambo proverb "You have issues, dahling, ok?" ~P.B. "Don't worry, stupidity produces antibodies." ~Susie from "Calvin and Hobbes" "Which way is straight for me?" ~Me. "A folk song is a living organism; it is ever changing." ~Charles Hoffer "The saying 'I think therefore I am' is not necessarily reversible." ~Me. (Aren't I wise?) "Raphael is always right." ~K.V. “When in doubt, kill cute things.” ~Stephen Pastis "Of all the people in the world... you are one of them." "The greatest thing about America is that we are not judged by what we are, but by who we can schmooze." ~Aubry Anne Carechild "I can only be nice to people for so long. It's like a countdown clock. Some people's time is longer than others. Some people never had any time at all. I'm grateful to have friends that stuck around even after their nice time was up." ~M.R. (Seriously, one of my favorite quotes ever.) "Sometimes the chai tea flows through your blood stream and makes you giddy enough not to care about grammer or spelling!" ~K.V. "Rafe's just gonna make a shitty comment, ignore him." ~J.J.B. "Penguins are the highest form of comedy." ~An old Gubaran proverb. "Swine, ceramic sentinel, Guard the golden disc!" ~Dwight Erthenwall "Through humor, you can soften some of the worst blows that life delivers. And once you find laughter, no matter how painful your situation might be, you can survive it." "A well developed sense of humor is the freezer that adds balance to a penguin's steps as it waddles the iceberg of life." ~L.H. "Hunt for ways of adding the twist of funny." "The best friends you could ever surround yourself with are the type of friends who would murder your enemies with a rusty spoon just to see you smile." ~S.P. "Hey, what do you think of Pavlov's theory that the Pope is Catholic?" ~Bucky Katt from "Get Fuzzy" "No shame. No mercy. No glory." ~P.B. "My eyes were vomiting." ~M.A.B. (Discussing "Transformers 2." Apparently she didn't like it...) "Explosions are cooler than kites. Word." ~M.A.B. "A true genius will spread the genius' work so that the lesser can know as well." ~S.P. "Dude, if stealing a stick of gum will keep me out of Hell, I'm gonna go rob Wrigley's" ~M.K.V.K. "If you were coming at me with a weed whacker I'd be scared." ~M.B. (Even in context, that was a weird one...) "If you need instructions on how to wash your hands, Maybe you shouldn’t have a job." ~KJ52 "Lost is just like Gilligan's Island... only trippier... and on steroids." ~Me... I have the right to quote myself. Anyway... I hope you enjoyed at least SOME of those. I know I did. I tried to take out the ones that are only funny to me because they recall a funny memory. Still... I'll try to post again this month, and hopefully I'll have that crossword puzzle up soon. For now, Ciao! And, as always, go do some evil. ~Rafe

Plebeians, Cads, and Thank You Notes :) And an AREC Poll.

I’ll admit it.

I’m an ungrateful cad… to plebeians. But they’re plebeians! So, they deserve it… right?

(As an aside: Did you know that a “cad” is an omnibus conductor? It’s true. So my question for you is this: How did one word come to mean both “bus driver” and “asshole”? The only correlation I can find is the fact that—according to a recent AREC* poll—87.9% of all bus drivers actually have ass holes.)

But we were talking about cads and plebeians…

Have you ever met one of those really annoying people who simply NEVER sends thank you cards? Yeah… one of those people.

I’m one of them.

I know, I know… it’s terrible, right? It undermines the whole “sophisticated but evil” vibe I had going. But, alas, what can one do? Besides, I mean, actually mending my ways.

I just want the world to know that it's not because I'm ungrateful. And I’m not trying to be rude. It's because I'm simple(ish) and forgetful(ish).

Here’s what usually happens.

*Well-meaning plebeian gives Rafe a gift or does Rafe a favor.*
RAFE: “Thanks, well-meaning plebeian.”
PLEBEIAN: “Don’t mention it!”
RAFE: “Okay.”
*Rafe doesn’t mention it.*
*Plebeian waits for Rafe to mention it… preferably in a note.*
*Rafe goes on with life, grateful for the gift or favor, but, as per the plebeian’s request, not mentioning it.*
PLEBEIAN: Rafe is a cad!
PLEBEIAN’S FRIEND: I happen to know that Rafe has never conducted an omnibus.
*Plebeian kills his friend in a fit of rage.*
*Plebeian plots Rafe’s demise.*
*Plebeian’s plan backfires when Rafe does something awesome.*
*Plebeian dies bitter and alone.*
*Plebeian tells his children to never give gifts or do favors for omnibus conductors.*
*Plebeian’s children are thoroughly confused.*
*Rafe remains awesome.*
*Reader wonders how the plebeian told his children not to give gifts or do favors after he died.*
*Rafe realizes his odd bulletin point story has gone on too long.*
*Rafe ends bulletin point story.*

You see? It’s really not my fault that AFTER I thank the plebeians they ruin their lives over me not writing a note. I mean, when I give someone a gift or do someone a favor… it’s usually someone I’m trying to impress, so why the hell would I care if they thanked me in a note? I want it to be easy on them, not burdening them with social obligation of writing a note thanking me for some trivial thing like a box of vinegar.

(Boxed vinegar? It may be the greatest thing since sliced tomatoes…)

Seriously though… I accept the verbal thanks that people give, and I don’t look for a written thanks. Why should I? I assume they’re grateful, and yeah. Only problem is that I feel bad when I forget to write thank you notes. :( It’s like… they’ll think I don’t care or something. Not that I do care. Just… I want people to continue giving me things… and doing me favors.

For some reason people don’t like giving gifts and doing favors for cads.

Conducting an omnibus is like the worst job EVER!

____
*AREC specializes in making up polls based on Rafe's intuition on the subject. Rafe is not responsible for any stupid decisions made based on poll data.