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Sunday, April 8, 2012

Flap and Eva -- A Very Special Easter Story

Okay, so I'll admit it's funnier if you are in on all the inside jokes. But, due to the nature of some of the jokes (and the people involved in them) I can only say this: It's  funnier if you're in on all the inside jokes. ;)

Enjoy my wicked awesome prose, anyway. You may get a laugh or two out of it.

So, without further ado... I give you...

Flap and Eva

and the

Curse of the Easter Pig

Once upon a time Flap and Eva were playing in their back yard. It should be noted that Flap was the Kwisatz Haderach, and Eva spoke with a thick Hungarian accent. Other than those to facts, they were mostly normal children from Normal World.

They were un-normal by virtue of their parents. Their father was Sir Boone, Lord and Grandmaster of the League of Men Who Raise Magical Dogges, and their mother, Theodora Rossé, was the personal assistant of Judge Norwegian—the only Norwegian judge allowed to judicate in Normal World, not to mention the most respected judicator in all of Normal World.
As it was (and it usually is as it is, so it stands to reason that it was—most probably—as it was on that day) it was Saturday. More precisely, it was Holy Saturday. (For those of you who don’t know it, that is the day before Easter Sunday.) Being that the next morning was a day filled with egg hunts and sugar highs, Flap and Eva were excited—as kids are wont to be. However, like every other child in Normal World, they were also weary. Weary because they knew of the curse of the Easter Pig.
It was said that on every thousandth Easter (and it was—of course—the thousandth Easter) there would come, flying over the mountains—coming straight from Abnormal World (which is, contrary to popular belief, not the World of Normal Abs; that’s quite a different world)—the infamous EASTER PIG!
(Yes, grammar fans, the preceding sentence was convoluted, likely a little confusing and probably qualified as a run-on. I don’t care. Get over it.)
The Easter Pig, some thought, was just a legend, or an old wives’ tale designed to make children fear winged pigs. Most, however, knew the ominousity (ßnot a real word) of the truth of the legend, and they feared the coming of the Easter Pig as most would fear rabid Chihuahuas—which is, like, A LOT!
Flap and Eva, though, were super-mega-geniuses with a combined IQ of well over a billion. They knew that with a little effort they could protect their chocolaty loot from the hated flying swine. So they set out to pig-proof their house, and—if they could—capture the Easter Pig, thus making Normal World a safe place to celebrate candy once again!
After much thinking, planning, and plotting, Flap had an idea.
“I’ve got an idea, Eva Jo,” He said.
“Ah, do tell it to me, dahling.” Eva answered.
“What if we got Boris to help us?”
“The drunk Russian?” Eva was shocked, “You know mother said we’re not to hang out with him anymore.”
“No, not that Boris. The bulldogge Boris.”
“Is that really how you spell ‘bulldogge’?” Eva asked.
“It’s Olde English, I think,” Flap said, “But that doesn’t matter. You’re supposed to be hearing me, not reading me.”
“Ah, yes, dahling. I tend to forget tiny things like that. Do go on.”
“Where was I?”
“Not getting the drunk Russian to help us.”
“Oh, yeah.” Flap continued his plan, “Suppose we get Boris to stay up all night and talk to the Easter Bunny—he won’t come if we’re awake, but it doesn’t mind dogs!”
“The Easter Bunny is probably a girl, dahling, considering it lays the eggs.”
“It’s a rabbit, Eva Jo.”
“A mammal?”
“A mammal that lays eggs?”
“Is this turning into a Coke 0 commercial?”
“Probably, dahling, let’s just move on. What will Boris do to the EB when she arrives?”
“Okay, we’ll have Boris stay up to meet the Easter Bunny, and when it arrives, we’ll have instructed Boris to instruct the Easter Bunny to leave all the eggs in one place—to not hide them!”
“But then our egg-hunt will be rather anticlimactic, don’t you think?”
“That’s not the point.”
“What is the point, dahling?”
“The point is we’ll have the highest concentration of chocolate per square foot on the block; the Easter Pig won’t be able to resist it! Plus, we’ll know EXACTLY where he’ll be headed, so we can lie in wait!”
“Can I squat in wait, Flap? If I lie down I’m apt to fall asleep.”
So, without much further ado about nothing, they set their plan into motion.
Boris—not the drunk Russian Boris—readily agreed to help them… provided he got fifty percent of all chocolate gained through the Easter celebrations.
“But, Boris, dahling,” Eva said, “Chocolate is terrible for dogges!”
“Arf, I know!” Boris said, “I’ve got some friends I wanna off.”
“Oh, well in that case…” Flap rolled his eyes, “Sure.”
“Which friends?” Eva asked.
“That’s none of your concern!” Boris barked (literally).

“Just agree, Eva Jo.” Flap whispered in her ear, “We’re gonna welch on the terms anyway.”
“Oh, you mischievous fool!” Eva slapped him in the arm. “Boris, we cannot agree to these terms, and don’t trust my brother; he plans on reneging on any promises he makes to you.”
“Well then why in the heck should I help you two whippersnappers?” Boris barked again (still literally).
“Because I said so.”
All three jumped at the unexpected voice. They looked up and, standing above them, they saw Sir Boone, the Lord and Grandmaster of the League of Men Who Raise Magical Dogges himself.
“Hi, Dad.” Eva said.
“Pops.” Flap nodded.
“My liege!” Boris groveled.
“Hi, kids.” Sir Boone said, and then turned his attention to the bulldogge, “Boris, I need you to do whatever they ask of you, even if it involves a sweater vest. Their mission is too valuable to Normal World to be hampered by the ego of one such as thee.”
“Yes, my liege!” Boris did not bark. None who love life dare bark at Sir Boone. “Of course, my liege!”
“Good.” Sir Boone said. “Back to what you were doing, kiddos.” With that, he left.
So they explained their plan to Boris, who—reluctantly—agreed.
That night they went to sleep in their comfy beds while Boris stood his ground in the living room, waiting for the Easter Bunny to arrive.
As Easter Bunnies are notoriously shy—no human has seen one and lived to tell the tale—we know absolutely nothing about what occurred when the EB finally did show up. So we take up our story again when Boris barked for Flap and Eva to wake up and take their positions hiding in the living room.
They gazed at the pile of sugar-filled eggs, drooling excessively, for a moment, and then scurried away behind furniture to await the dreaded Easter Pig.
“How long do you think it will be, dahling?” Eva asked.
“Don’t know, Eva Jo.” Flap smiled, “That rhymed.”
“You are quite the accomplished poet.” Eva rolled her eyes.
“Shh!” Flap shushed her. “I think he’s here.”
Sure enough, the front door creaked open. In the shadows it was difficult to see all the details of the creature’s form, but it was, without question, a winged pig—the Easter Pig!

“Stop fiend!” Flap yelled as he and his sister burst from their place of hiding.
The Easter Pig snarled. “Flap and Eva! I should have known.”
“You’ve met your doom now, dahling!” Eva cried.
The Easter Pig laughed, “You can’t stop the Easter Pig! No one can. Your boppa tried once; Sir Boone and Theodora Rossé never told you what happened to your boppa, did they?”
“They told us enough,” Flap said, “They told us you killed him.”
“Which was terribly rude of you, dahling.” Eva added.
“No, Flap and Eva,” The Easter Pig’s deep voice boomed throughout the room, “I am your boppa!”
“Join me, Flap.” The winged swine said, “Join the Abnormal World, and we can steal Easter candy together, as boppa and Kwisatz Haderach.”
“Don’t do it, Flap, dahling!” Eva called out, “It’s not worth it! At least make him cut off your hand first!”
“No! I’ll never steal Easter candy with you!”
The Easter Pig said, “Then you will surely have Easter candy stolen from you.”
With that Eva pulled out a lightsaber.
“That’s enough chit-chat, dahlings. Let’s end this.”
She lunged at the pig.
He drew his own saber.

The duel was epic.
Eventually, however, the Easter Pig was overpowered—with much thanks to the Kwisatz Haderach’s many kidney punches. They tied him up and quickly dispatched him to court where Judge Norwegian exiled to him for his crimes to Kansas (which is another abnormal world) forever-ish (unless he leaves).
That, friends and countrymen, is how Flap and Eva defeated the curse of the Easter Pig and saved Easter candy for everyone forever.

The End
The Lands of Flap and Eva

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