Welcome bar

"Teach me to run with scissors..."

Sunday, August 28, 2011

Movie Reviews! >:O

Okay, it happens to the best of you.
You'll be wondering around the movie store, wishing you hadn't let your Netflix subscription expire, and you'll see a movie in the "New Release" section that you've seen already when it was in theatres! You reach for it with your excited, sticky, thumby fingers then you suddenly stop. You scratch that annoying spot on your head that itches whenever you think hard. You're stuck. You cannot go on until you know the answer to the question that's bugging you.
"What does Rafe think of this film?"
That's a good question.
I don't go to the theatre nearly often enough.
So I probably haven't seen it.
But sometimes I get a chance to go to the movie store too, and I often stop by the "New Releases" section. So here today I've compiled a couple of Flash reviews of New, Nearly NewNearly Nearly NewNot Even Nearly Nearly New and some plain, old fashioned Old movies. :)

SPOILER ALERT: I'm not even going to try to hide anything.
The Box
A couple receives a weird box from alien scientists who want wives to die. Go figure.
The Rite
Anthony Hopkins (while not portraying a cannibal) plays a exorcist who gets possessed (oh, the irony) and in his turn gets exercised by a Deacon whose father was a mortician.
The Tourist
Johnny Depp isn't who he seems to be. Or is he? He is... not. It depends on how you look at it. Angelina Jolie stars as an ex-Scotland Yard agent who falls for any man she spends so much time as a train ride with. Paul Bettany gets mad.

Pitch Black
Vin Diesel can see in the dark. Word. (Going to watch "The Chronicles of Riddick" today... fun.)

Jungle, explosions, cute girl, MONSTER RUN!!! Arnold Schwarzenegger, dressed in mud, kicks ass.

"It didn't hurt you 'cause you were unarmed. Damn sport."

Predator 2
Hell in LA, Danny Glover is the lion, Men not in Black, beef, and MONSTER RUN!!! A pistol from 1715. Cool.

"Do you want a piece of candy?"

Ripley, believe it or not, has slept for 57 years. Crabs cling to faces, and automated sentries kick ass. Newt's probably the smartest one out there.

"They're dead, okay? Can I go now?"

Alien Versus Predator
Ancient pyramid (first ever?), Sacrificial chamber, more crabs cling to faces, and "we worshipped these things?" Predator burns a chick's face, but it's cool.

"We don't have the luxury of quitting."

Alien Versus Preadator: Requiem
Alien bursts from Predator's chest. Ship crashes, and town goes to hell. Even MORE crabs cling to faces. Government lies to people, and they blow up. Pizza dude, ex-con, army chick, and not-as-cool-as-Newt girl crash in helicopter.

"I hear the bank is hiring."

After being dropped on their heads, a bunch of killers decide to work together and get off this f***ing planet. No crabs cling to faces (thank goodness). The killers don't make it... sort of.

After reviewing these movies more privately on my facebook, one of my most ardent fans had this to say: "Unless you review carebears go to candyland, i would probably never watch movies you review."

So, for her benefit, I have dug through my memories of some of the more embarrassing things I've watched in my life. Although I've never seen "Care Bears go to Candyland" (if such a show even exists) I have seen...

The Care Bears Adventure in Wonderland
Apparently the Princess has gone missing, and an evil wizard is trying to usurp the throne. With the help of Alice, who coincidentally looks exactly like the Princess, the Care Bears rush to save the day. Stay off the checker board.

Rainbow Brite and the Star Stealer
Yup, the evil Princess is trying to steal a star again; this would leave the world in darkness and winter and such other ugly things. I'll admit I didn't watch all of this one. But Rainbow Brite does her thing with her magic horse, and they bring back spring.


You like?

I did.

So, go and watch some movies. Don't hate them (unless they're worth hating) and enjoy your evening/morning/afternoon/night or whatever it is you like to enjoy.


No comments:

Post a Comment