Movie Reviews! >:O

Okay, it happens to the best of you.
 
You'll be wondering around the movie store, wishing you hadn't let your Netflix subscription expire, and you'll see a movie in the "New Release" section that you've seen already when it was in theatres! You reach for it with your excited, sticky, thumby fingers then you suddenly stop. You scratch that annoying spot on your head that itches whenever you think hard. You're stuck. You cannot go on until you know the answer to the question that's bugging you.
 
"What does Rafe think of this film?"
 
That's a good question.
 
I don't go to the theatre nearly often enough.
 
So I probably haven't seen it.
 
But sometimes I get a chance to go to the movie store too, and I often stop by the "New Releases" section. So here today I've compiled a couple of Flash reviews of New, Nearly New, Nearly Nearly New, Not Even Nearly Nearly New and some plain, old fashioned Old movies. :)

SPOILER ALERT: I'm not even going to try to hide anything.
 
The Box
A couple receives a weird box from alien scientists who want wives to die. Go figure.
 
The Rite
Anthony Hopkins (while not portraying a cannibal) plays a exorcist who gets possessed (oh, the irony) and in his turn gets exercised by a Deacon whose father was a mortician.
 
The Tourist
Johnny Depp isn't who he seems to be. Or is he? He is... not. It depends on how you look at it. Angelina Jolie stars as an ex-Scotland Yard agent who falls for any man she spends so much time as a train ride with. Paul Bettany gets mad.

Pitch Black
Vin Diesel can see in the dark. Word. (Going to watch "The Chronicles of Riddick" today... fun.)

Predator
Jungle, explosions, cute girl, MONSTER RUN!!! Arnold Schwarzenegger, dressed in mud, kicks ass.

"It didn't hurt you 'cause you were unarmed. Damn sport."

Predator 2
Hell in LA, Danny Glover is the lion, Men not in Black, beef, and MONSTER RUN!!! A pistol from 1715. Cool.

"Do you want a piece of candy?"

Aliens
Ripley, believe it or not, has slept for 57 years. Crabs cling to faces, and automated sentries kick ass. Newt's probably the smartest one out there.

"They're dead, okay? Can I go now?"

Alien Versus Predator
Ancient pyramid (first ever?), Sacrificial chamber, more crabs cling to faces, and "we worshipped these things?" Predator burns a chick's face, but it's cool.

"We don't have the luxury of quitting."

Alien Versus Preadator: Requiem
Alien bursts from Predator's chest. Ship crashes, and town goes to hell. Even MORE crabs cling to faces. Government lies to people, and they blow up. Pizza dude, ex-con, army chick, and not-as-cool-as-Newt girl crash in helicopter.

"I hear the bank is hiring."

Predators
After being dropped on their heads, a bunch of killers decide to work together and get off this f***ing planet. No crabs cling to faces (thank goodness). The killers don't make it... sort of.

___
After reviewing these movies more privately on my facebook, one of my most ardent fans had this to say: "Unless you review carebears go to candyland, i would probably never watch movies you review."

So, for her benefit, I have dug through my memories of some of the more embarrassing things I've watched in my life. Although I've never seen "Care Bears go to Candyland" (if such a show even exists) I have seen...

The Care Bears Adventure in Wonderland
Apparently the Princess has gone missing, and an evil wizard is trying to usurp the throne. With the help of Alice, who coincidentally looks exactly like the Princess, the Care Bears rush to save the day. Stay off the checker board.

Rainbow Brite and the Star Stealer
Yup, the evil Princess is trying to steal a star again; this would leave the world in darkness and winter and such other ugly things. I'll admit I didn't watch all of this one. But Rainbow Brite does her thing with her magic horse, and they bring back spring.

Anywho...

You like?

I did.

So, go and watch some movies. Don't hate them (unless they're worth hating) and enjoy your evening/morning/afternoon/night or whatever it is you like to enjoy.

Ciao!

Complicated Instructions for Simple Tasks

Ahola!

I was seated on the john today enjoying an encyclopedia when I came across the article on the geometric shape known as a star. Yes... I read encyclopedias for fun... while on the pot.

But that's not what we're here to talk about.

We're here to talk about--as the title indicates--complicated instructions for simple tasks.

Why did I choose this topic? Well... mostly because of what I found in the article on the star shape. It included this set of instructions:

 

(And I quote...)

 

How to Draw a Star. This geometric drawing can be made by drawing a four-inch circle. Draw the horicontal and vertical diameter ab and cd. Mark the point of intersection e. Bisect eb and mark the point of intersection f. With f as a center, and cf as a radius, describe an arc cutting ae. Mark the point of intersection g. With gc as a radius and c as a center, describe two arcs cutting the circumference at h and j. With h and j as centers and the same radius, describe arcs cutting the circumference at k and l. Form a star by connecting c and l, c and k, h and k, l and j, and h and j.

Fun, eh?

My question for you is this: What impossibly complex instructions for unbelievably simple tasks do you know of?

Quotations From my Quotable Friends

I haven't posted in almost a month... and for that I am sorry. :\ I'm still working on that crossword puzzle I promised, but I lost the paper with the answers, and my sister repossessed the computer I was making it on... so it may be a while. :D

I hope this entertains you in the mean time. It is a collection of some of my favorite quotes from friends, myself, and others that I really like. Though, because my friends may not wish to admit they fraternize with me, I'll only identify them by initials.

"After the punch line, you need to shut up." ~Old Gubaran proverb. "YOU LIKE IT CEITAINLY WE BLESS YOUR HEALTH THE STYLE IS NUMEROUS!" ~Actual text from the packaging for a toy bazooka. Bad grammar and spelling as well. "What is a rafe?" ~J.C. (No, that's not "Jesus Christ," although God is a friend of mine, He knows what a "rafe" is.) "Well it's entertaining writing, and someone got pudding on this." ~M.B. "We will discuss it. End of discussion!" ~M.A.B. "Have people always been stupid or is it a recent development?" ~Danae from "Non Sequitur" "Give me a fly swatter and I'll show you how much of a teddy bear I am!" ~C.R. Also (not) Known As: "Teddy Bear" "The jokes in life are funnier than the tragedies are sad." ~Anonymous "You know, its really too bad you are a guy, you would make a great girl." ~K.M.V.K. (A girl said this to me.) "He's like my girlfriend, except he's not gay." ~L.J.S. (Again... a girl said this about me. I'm beginning to see a pattern... But, she's correct, I am not gay.) "Aaaaugh! I broke the Bible!" ~ M.A.B. Me: "I call it art." M.A.B.: "I call it a bent straw." "Remember... [long pause] ...I forgot." ~My Mother "Let's start over, and I won't blonde this one up." ~T.O. "If you read that E-mail, it's proof that something is wrong with your brain." ~Alice from "Dilbert" "Would you mind not standing on my chest? My hat's on fire." ~Doctor Who (Tom Baker) "Stupidity has a knack of getting its way." ~Albert Camus "Cleverness and stupidity go together." ~Ovambo proverb "You have issues, dahling, ok?" ~P.B. "Don't worry, stupidity produces antibodies." ~Susie from "Calvin and Hobbes" "Which way is straight for me?" ~Me. "A folk song is a living organism; it is ever changing." ~Charles Hoffer "The saying 'I think therefore I am' is not necessarily reversible." ~Me. (Aren't I wise?) "Raphael is always right." ~K.V. “When in doubt, kill cute things.” ~Stephen Pastis "Of all the people in the world... you are one of them." "The greatest thing about America is that we are not judged by what we are, but by who we can schmooze." ~Aubry Anne Carechild "I can only be nice to people for so long. It's like a countdown clock. Some people's time is longer than others. Some people never had any time at all. I'm grateful to have friends that stuck around even after their nice time was up." ~M.R. (Seriously, one of my favorite quotes ever.) "Sometimes the chai tea flows through your blood stream and makes you giddy enough not to care about grammer or spelling!" ~K.V. "Rafe's just gonna make a shitty comment, ignore him." ~J.J.B. "Penguins are the highest form of comedy." ~An old Gubaran proverb. "Swine, ceramic sentinel, Guard the golden disc!" ~Dwight Erthenwall "Through humor, you can soften some of the worst blows that life delivers. And once you find laughter, no matter how painful your situation might be, you can survive it." "A well developed sense of humor is the freezer that adds balance to a penguin's steps as it waddles the iceberg of life." ~L.H. "Hunt for ways of adding the twist of funny." "The best friends you could ever surround yourself with are the type of friends who would murder your enemies with a rusty spoon just to see you smile." ~S.P. "Hey, what do you think of Pavlov's theory that the Pope is Catholic?" ~Bucky Katt from "Get Fuzzy" "No shame. No mercy. No glory." ~P.B. "My eyes were vomiting." ~M.A.B. (Discussing "Transformers 2." Apparently she didn't like it...) "Explosions are cooler than kites. Word." ~M.A.B. "A true genius will spread the genius' work so that the lesser can know as well." ~S.P. "Dude, if stealing a stick of gum will keep me out of Hell, I'm gonna go rob Wrigley's" ~M.K.V.K. "If you were coming at me with a weed whacker I'd be scared." ~M.B. (Even in context, that was a weird one...) "If you need instructions on how to wash your hands, Maybe you shouldn’t have a job." ~KJ52 "Lost is just like Gilligan's Island... only trippier... and on steroids." ~Me... I have the right to quote myself. Anyway... I hope you enjoyed at least SOME of those. I know I did. I tried to take out the ones that are only funny to me because they recall a funny memory. Still... I'll try to post again this month, and hopefully I'll have that crossword puzzle up soon. For now, Ciao! And, as always, go do some evil. ~Rafe

Investigating the Paranormal Significance of the Big Toe

To begin with a quote: 

"[Saint Eusebius] lived alone, spending his days in devotion and contemplation. But when a dragon appeared up on the plateau and started eating the people's flocks, he felt he had to do something...Saint Eusebius took his crucifix and went to face the dragon, to command it in the name of Christ to leave the area...Inspired by the devil, the dragon began to eat the holy man. But a desperate group of peasants had banded together, armed with spears and meat hooks. When the dragon tried to swallow the saint, it miraculously began to gag and choke on him. While the dragon was thus occupied, the peasants burst out of hiding and attacked it. One of them got in a lucky stroke with a meat hook and pierced the dragon's throat at the one spot where it was vulnerable...But they were too late to save Saint Eusebius. All that remained of him was his left big toe."

                ~C. Dale Brittain, from The Wood Nymph and the Cranky Saint

Obviously the above account is entirely fantastic—indeed it comes from one of my favorite fantasy novels—but it introduces to us (in a sort of indirect byway fashion) a question quite unforgivably ignored by established pseudoscience: What is the paranormal significance of the big toe?

As everyone knows, our toes are not mere lumps of kind-of-funny looking, wiggly things with no use other than stubbing and judging the apparent beauty of; our toes are indeed gifts of God and evolution intended to help us not fall on our ugly faces when we stand erect and apart from our simian brethren. (*Can anyone say “convoluted sentence alert”?) Yes! Our wonderful toes are tools, tools that help us balance when standing and walking upright.

So they’re not useless…                                                       

But are they paranormal?

A quick Google search of “big toe” + “paranormal” does bring up many hits, but most of them are like “someone was tugging my big toe” or “I wiggle my toes to get myself out of a dream” or someone using the acronym TOE (I didn’t check what it stood for… probably “Totally Original Energy” or “Toes Of Earth”).
 
Maybe the tugging of the big toe was important? Maybe otherworldies (entities from other worlds, dimensions, times, or—sometimes—Taylor Swift fans) are attracted to big toes? Maybe it’s somehow deeper (and more sinister) than that… maybe it’s downright creepy!
 
I know I’m right. I'm always right. So today, for the first time, I am sharing my thesis with the world:
 
Disembodied spirits have big toe fetishes.
 
To put it in its original Latinish: “Ghostusts Haviest Hallux Fetishi.”

In other unrelated news, I finally watched “The Blair Witch Project.” (I know, talk about behind the times…)

I have nothing real to say about that,  I just thought I’d mention it… because I can.

So, for your homework, I want you to (do my research for me and) find me information correlating ghosts, poltergeists, and other otherworldies with halluxes. (Hallux = big toe.)

Anyway, I’m making a crossword puzzle for you peoples, so expect that in the not-too-distant future.

Imagine you are wearing a large vest that can be puffed full of air. Now imagine that that vest is attached to a couple of tubes which in turn attach to a large, box shaped machine. Imagine that the single purpose for this machine is to cause the vest (which you are wearing) to shake like a baby rabbit blended on puree… now imagine you’re riding an exercise bike… now imagine you’ve got another contraption hooked to a different tube that is puffing vapor into your mouth… now imagine it’s all going at once.
 
Yeah.
 
I was doing that today.
 
Fun mental image, eh?
 
Anywo, Ciao!

THE EX-human FACTOR!

2011, day 165.

I should have brought my guitar with me to... Whatever state I'm in. I am suddenly struck with the urge to play (to the best of my ability) a bluesy-(ish)-sounding version of "You are my Sunshine" with only the smallest of nods to the original melody... plus I'm singing it, so any ACTUAL notes will be totally unplanned and only to be taken as a random occurence, NOT as a claim to any real singing abilities.

^That's what you get when lawyers edit your posts. (Even if they only have honorary degrees from AREC-U... and they live in my thumb... with an ex-human.)

Just a little update on me: I'n in the hospital for my semi-should-be-more-often CF tune up. No worries, I'm not real sick or anything, just a standard thing for CF-ers. (Is that supposed to be hyphenated?)

Yes, I have Cystic Fibrosis; no, I do not have cysts on my fibrosis; and no, I don't think "fibrosis" is a noun either... it's definitely not a body part.

I hope.

Where were we?

Ah yes... the issue of Ex-humans. It has come to my attention that some people have had their membership card to  the human race revoked. This bothered me for many reasons.

First: We have cards?
Second: Where's mine?
Third: Did I ever have one?
Fourth: AM I NOT HUMAN? OMFEOR (That is: "Oh My Funny Eggs On Rye" ... What did you think it meant?)
Fifth: What the hell does an ex-human look like?
Sixth: If you could choose one person whose memebership card you could revoke, (be they living or dead--or Cryogenically frozen) who would it be?
Seven: Do you think Walt Disney is Cryogenically frozen? (I like to think I blog about the important and pertinent issues of the day.)
Eight: I don't think Cryogenically should be capitalized every time.
Nine: When did this stop being about ex-humans bothering me?
Ten: Might as well make it a top ten list.
Eleven: ...with eleven entries.

Well... I've got nothin'

Sorry for waiting so long to post again. Please follow my blog, and tell your friends about it (and me)! --But not too much about me... I mean. My SSN is private info, dude(ette).

I will leave you with this quote: "Oops." ~Dr. Killroy... during Roy's brain surgery.

Ciao!

~Rafe